Why am I lacking sensation during sex with a partner?

Dear Reader, 

Reflecting on your sex life with your partner is great practice, especially before making a long-term commitment. Many people value sexual compatibility in their relationships, and having a conversation with your partner about how she feels may be crucial to improving that. Having open communication may reveal other reasons for the lack of sensation. Some of these may include a lack of sexual communication or dealing with sexual dysfunction. Continue reading to learn more about these factors and how you and your partner could address them! 

Sexual communication refers to sharing your sexual desires, preferences, values, and experiences with your partner. A lack of sexual communication is often associated with sexual difficulties, concerns, and overall dissatisfaction with sex life. When sexual communication is present and satisfactory, sensations such as arousal, desire, lubrication, erection, and orgasm can all be heightened, and sex can feel less painful overall. For it to be successful, it’s important that all partners are also content with how often the conversations occur. 

You mention trying out different products to enhance your pleasure, which is a great place to start. Making sure that the products you’re using are safe for sexual practice and are comfortable for you and your partner is important. Doing so can help reduce the chances of using a product that one of you may be allergic to or already know that you don’t like. You may also want to consider trying different sexual techniques. These could include forms of non-penetrative sex, use of sex toys, foreplay, or stimulation of erogenous zones. Trying these things may be a way to experiment in the bedroom to see if you feel any different sensations.  

While your sexual communication may be contributing to the lack of sexual satisfaction you describe, physical compatibility may also be something to consider. The vagina is an elastic organ that lengthens and stretches during arousal and penetration. While childbirth and age may affect how the vagina feels, having sex too much or with multiple people won’t change how “stretched” it is. In fact, after sex, it returns to its original size. However, some people aren’t always natural fits together and understanding how your partner feels about the situation could help in your journey to finding a solution. When it comes to the size of your partner’s vagina and your penis, have you ever discussed what sensation she feels or how much she feels when you have sex?  

When it comes to the sensations you feel during penetrative sex, it can be helpful to think about whether you also experience these same sensations (or the lack thereof) in other situations. Specifically, when you masturbate, do you feel any sensation? If you’ve ever had oral or anal sex, does that change the sensation you experience? If not, it may be that there’s something contributing to your inability to feel pleasure. It’s possible that certain male sexual dysfunctions may be contributing to your lack of sensation such as:  

• Erectile dysfunction. ED is associated with difficulties becoming or remaining erect. It could result from injury, conditions related to hormones and nerve functioning, certain medications, or psychological conditions. 
• Peyronie’s disease.  This is characterized by the formation of scar tissue usually following penile trauma. The condition is often accompanied by the development of a curved or shortened penis and pain when erect.  
• Delayed ejaculation. This is a type of ejaculation disorder where those impacted take a longer time to ejaculate and may require more stimulation to achieve orgasm. This condition has been associated with older age, health conditions (such as type one diabetes, strokes, multiple sclerosis, or spinal cord injury), medications, previous surgery, or mental health.  

Treatments for these conditions vary from medications and hormone therapy to surgery. A health care professional may be able to advise you about what you’re experiencing and offer some solutions.  

If having these conversations is difficult for you or your partner to have, consider starting small! While this conversation can take place immediately following a time when you have sex, it can also happen whenever. It’s possible that even simply asking your partner how she enjoys sex may allow the conversation to bloom into talking about challenges and what you’d like to change. Being willing to accept any feedback from your partner is also helpful to having the most effective conversations. If you’re uncomfortable having a conversation on this topic with your partner, you may find it helpful to talk with a mental health professional either by yourself or as a couple. They may be able to help you better understand the difficulties you’re having and help you navigate a conversation with each other. 

If you’re still experiencing difficulties with your partner and sexual incompatibility is a deal breaker, you may think about discussing the future of your relationship. If you choose to remain with your partner, continuous communication will still be necessary and may strengthen your relationship and improve your sex life together. 

Wishing you and your partner the best,