Can you revitalize your sex drive?

Dear Reader,

Given how sexuality can be a large factor in the long-term compatibility of two people, not being "in harmony" with your partner can be a little jarring and even frustrating at times. However, it's not uncommon for partners to naturally go through phases in their lives of feeling more or less sexual. Having an open, non-judgmental conversation about how to make your lives together fulfilling for both of you might help bring both of you and your respective partners back into sexual harmony. Read on to learn more!

Sometimes a couple's sexual challenges can have roots in other aspects of the relationship that could benefit from some in-depth exploration. While this might take some deep conversation, there are ways you can help your partners explore and delight in their sexuality, and then have them share it with you! You mention how sex is the ultimate form of intimacy for you, but do you know what your wife considers intimate? It might be interesting to learn what activities other than sex make her feel close to you. Then you both could try doing these new activities to explore new ways of intimacy, or even incorporate these activities into your sex life if it makes sense. As you've noted, she didn't previously like sex in other relationships. It's possible that her enjoyment of sex was temporary, rather than a new norm. Has she talked about what her sex drive was like at the beginning of your relationship compared to now? Has she mentioned at all whether or not she finds the change (if there was one) distressing? Also, and perhaps most critically, do you know if your wife wants to revitalize her sex drive? If she's perfectly happy with the way things are, or if there's an emotional or physical reason she hasn't enjoyed sex in the past and doesn't need it now, she may see no reason to participate in a highly personal act that she dislikes. By having this conversation with her, you may be able to understand her aversion to sex better or find new ways of being intimate together. By talking with your partner about her sexuality and what excites her, as well as expressing what excites you, it can allow you and your significant other to gain a better understanding of each other and what "gets the other off."

In addition to thinking about sex drive, it could also be helpful to think about sexual attraction. People who are asexual don't experience sexual attraction, or they experience it to varying levels in specific situations (e.g., someone who is demisexual and only experiences sexual attraction after forming a close emotional bond with the person). They may enjoy sex at some times and not others, or they may not enjoy or want to participate in sex at all. Has your wife ever mentioned if she experiences sexual attraction? Have you two ever spoken about how you understand sexual attraction? Learning more about how you both see this facet of human sexuality, not just sex drive, may help you understand more about what may be happening in your relationship, where there may be some differences, and what bridges you may need to cross in order to find a place that meets both of your needs. 

While these conversations are helpful for bringing life back to the sexual aspect of your relationship, they're not always the easiest to start. If you're not sure how exactly to approach to conversation with your partner, it may be helpful to talk with a mental health professional who specializes in couple's therapy as they can help guide the conversation. 

Overall, with a bit of honest, open-hearted, clear communication with your partner, you may be able to turn things around and achieve the sexual harmony that you both desire. Hope this information helps!