Why does my boyfriend have difficulty orgasming with a condom?

Dear No climax in this story, 

Every story has a beginning, middle, and end—just because you haven’t found your climax yet, doesn’t mean this is the end of things! Your boyfriend might be having issues orgasming with the recent addition of a condom, either because of the condom itself or because he’s overly aware of the new sensation. Just as there are many reasons people have difficulty orgasming, there are different ways to try and address this issue. This could include discussing your expectations for sex, exploring other condom and contraception options, and experimenting sexually. For more information, keep on reading! 

Many people with penises have trouble orgasming, so your boyfriend’s experience isn’t uncommon. In fact, there are a number of reasons people with penises may have trouble orgasming including:  

• Medication use (like selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs)). 
• Low testosterone. 
• Psychological factors. 
• Overstimulation and resulting sensation loss. 
• Consequences of pelvic surgeries. 
• Condom use.   

Why might wearing a condom compromise coming you ask? Well, wearing a condom creates a barrier between the penis itself, with all its sensitive nerve endings, and whatever is providing stimulation, be it hand, mouth, or genital. As such, condoms can make it increasingly hard (no pun intended) to receive the stimulation necessary to reach your normal levels of sensation.  

That said, difficulty orgasming with a condom can also be a sign that the condom doesn’t fit well. A too-loose or too-tight condom can decrease sensation due to excess material or impaired circulation, respectively. If the condom doesn’t fit, there’s also a risk of condom breakage, slippage, or drying out during sex; it may also cause irritation to the penis, vagina, or anus.  

When it comes to remedying this concern, there are several options you could try. These include: 

• Having a conversation. Consider having a conversation with your boyfriend about each of your expectations with sex. Given that condoms have changed sex for you both, it might ease his mind if you can speak openly about your expectations and goals for your sex life. For example, you might discuss whether you’re interested in having sex without the goal of orgasm, which can still be an enjoyable and intimate experience between the two of you. This way you can still find pleasure and not feel any disappointment if an orgasm doesn’t come (pun intended).  
• Trying different types of sex. You might also discuss the possibility of exploring different types of sex such as anal or oral. If your only concern is pregnancy, these methods carry no risk and can therefore be engaged in without a condom. This may allow your boyfriend to feel the stimulation he needs to have an orgasm.    
• Working out the kinks in your condom use. If condoms aren’t fitting properly, feel free to check out this guide on finding a condom that fits and this guide for how to put on a condom. Your boyfriend might also try out different types of condoms, including non-latex options, like polyurethane condoms. Polyurethane is a type of plastic that's thin, allows greater sensation, and conducts heat, which is why many people find it more pleasurable than latex. Lube is helpful with these condoms, and some find it more pleasurable to use water-based lube on both the outside and the inside of a condom, which simulates the warm, slippery vaginal environment. One last condom tip: your boyfriend can also try masturbating with a condom, which can help him get used to the feeling.   
• Trying other contraceptive methods. If your partner really struggles to orgasm while wearing a latex condom, the two of you might discuss other contraceptives. You mention that you stopped taking the pill because of side effects, but there are a number of other methods that exist that may work better for you. To learn more about what these methods are, consider checking out the Birth Control Basics fact sheet. That said, it’s important to remember that condoms are the only birth control method available that helps prevent pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections (STIs). If you’re trying to protect against STIs, you and your boyfriend might consider speaking with a health care professional about your condom. They may have a solution more tailored to your situation.  
• Relieving some of the pressure. You mention that your “sex life is riding on this”. Instead of putting pressure on yourself and looking at this as a problem, you could see this as a potentially fun challenge. The next time you’re getting intimate, consider asking him to show you what feels best for him, and try those things out. You can also try touching erogenous zones such as his scrotum or nipples, talking sexy to him, or using toys to enhance the fun, too.   

Hopefully, one or more of these paths forward will suit you and your boyfriend and rejuvenate your sex life.    

Wishing you the best,