Why am I depressed as I navigate my sexuality?

Dear Black Hole,

Struggling with your sexual identity is a challenge that many people face—and unfortunately, it’s one that may take time and reflection to address. It sounds like trying to change or conceal feelings of attraction to people of your same sex might be causing you some distress. You might find that accepting, or even embracing, your sexuality can help you build a more fulfilling life. Surrounding yourself with people who support you no matter your sexuality may help that hole you describe feel a bit smaller. Additionally, talking to a trusted friend or mental health professional about your feelings may also help you navigate these challenges.  

Where do ideas about sexuality come from?

While many social expectations or values may have caused you to feel like being bisexual is “bad,” having romantic or sexual feelings toward someone of the same sex is not bad. In fact, everyone has a unique sexuality and as such, it’s a natural part of life for all human beings!  

Unfortunately, however, you’re not the only person who’s felt this way. Many queer people struggle to accept their sexuality. As you grow, you build your morals based on those of people close to you, such as your family or community. If you come from a community that doesn’t value queer identities or understands them as being unnatural, it may be hard to accept your feelings of same-sex attraction. You may also be adjusting to the idea that your life may play out differently than you had hoped or expected. Because of this, it might be this internal conflict that’s causing you to feel “bad,” rather than your sexuality itself.  

Can you choose (or change) your sexuality?

Scientific research continues to show that sexuality is not a choice. You can’t choose your sexuality, and you can’t choose to change it. Your sexuality can however be flexible, and may evolve over the course of your life. In fact, attempts to change or cover up your sexuality are hardly successful and can be incredibly harmful to your mental and emotional health. Research has shown that attempts to hide or change a queer identity can lead to low self-esteem, feelings of depression, or even thoughts of suicide.  

How can I revisit my sexuality while protecting my mental health?

It’s possible that “trying to turn yourself around” is part of the reason you’re feeling down. To figure out whether this is actually the case, try thinking about what it is that’s influencing your desire to change. Consider questions like: 

• Where does the desire to change your sexuality come from?
• Could the hole you feel be caused by trying to suppress your sexuality?
• How do you feel when you think about a relationship with someone of the same sex? What about with someone of the opposite sex?
• How do those around you think about these relationships? 

Asking yourself questions like these may help you figure out if your objection to same-sex attraction comes from your own opinions or from others around you. If you find that your idea of queerness as being “bad” isn’t one you you’ve come to on your own, it may be helpful to revisit your sexuality again with that in mind. 

Some steps that might help you approach this process include: 

• Using dating apps to meet people who could support you in your sexual identity and that you enjoy talking to. Using this tool might seem less daunting than trying to navigate this in person since you can often filter by a variety of characteristics such as gender, religion, political affiliation, and much more. 
• Talking to a trusted friend or family member who has experience navigating their sexual identity—it sounds like your friend who identifies as bisexual might be a good resource! 
• Speaking with a mental health professional who might be able to provide some clarity by listening to your feelings with some objectivity. 

Should I come out to my partner?

Ultimately, choosing to tell your current or future partner(s) about your sexuality and past partners is up to you and can be a deeply personal choice. If you’re thinking about disclosing this information, there are a few factors you should consider. Firstly, do you feel safe and comfortable doing so? Bringing this topic to the table when you’re not entirely ready to do so might be more frustrating than useful. And if you think your partner might have a negative or even violent reaction, prioritizing your safety could be something you consider.

You might also consider thinking about what you expect from your partner when sharing this information. Do you think they will be supportive? Understanding? If so, sharing your feelings can strengthen your relationship by building trust and intimacy. If your partner is supportive, they might become a good resource for you to talk to about your sexuality as you learn more about it.  

Hopefully your journey with your own sexuality can fill your (w)hole life with joy!