Is not being allowed to spend time with friends a problem in a relationship?

Dear Reader and Starting to get claustrophobic, 

Maintaining and nurturing all kinds of relationships takes dedication, and, of course, time.  While it’s necessary to listen to your partner’s feelings, it’s important that you’re advocating for your own needs and boundaries as well. It’s important to recognize that there are times when removing yourself from an adverse or unsafe relationship may be the best choice. Continue reading to learn more about signs of controlling and codependent behavior and ways to approach discussions with your partner. 

What are examples of controlling behaviors? 

Although you may not currently witness or experience controlling behaviors, becoming familiar with the behaviors could help you identify them.  

Some controlling behaviors to be aware of include: 

• Attempts to isolate you: A controlling person may try to separate you from your other relationships. This may be to keep you in the relationship and make you more dependent on them. 
• Displays of jealousy: Jealousy can present itself in many ways. Some examples can include accusations of infidelity, monitoring your private information or social media, or negative comments about your interactions or time spent with others.  
• Keeping tabs on your whereabouts: Your partner may question where you are, request access to your location, or become upset if you don’t inform them where you are throughout the day. They may also attempt to convince you to not go places by becoming aggressive or pouting.  
• Your partner insists on getting their way: Either asking or telling you to change your clothing or appearance, quit your job or school, or modify your beliefs. Even if you express your disagreement with their requests or demands, they may not back down. 
• Seeking financial control: Your partner may do this by monitoring your purchases, paying for your housing or bills, or telling you what to do with your money. These behaviors could be motivated by wanting to make it difficult for you to leave the relationship. 

List adapted from National Legal Service and WebMD 

Keep in mind that this list of behaviors is not exhaustive. Depending on the person and situation, there may be alternative explanations for why your partner is displaying similar behaviors. Even so, having awareness of these behavior trends may prove useful when thinking about what you want your current—and future—relationships to be like. 

What are codependent behaviors? 

Codependency describes a condition that impacts the ways people relate to others. Relationships featuring codependency may feel—or appear to be—mutually satisfying. One partner seems to be giving because they want to give, and the other seems to be receiving because they want to receive. Depending on what the motivations for giving or receiving are, this relationship dynamic could lead to a power-imbalance.  

There have been several behaviors that have been linked to codependency, including: 

• Taking responsibility for you: A codependent partner may attempt to correct your behaviors or emotional displays. They may step in when you need financial support, help complete an assignment, or provide emotional support even at their own expense.  
• Difficulty maintaining your boundaries: You may try to ask for space or time away from your partner and be met with protest or disregard. This behavior may become more apparent the more you try to maintain or establish new boundaries.  
• Disregard for their own boundaries: A codependent partner may agree to do the things you enjoy, even if they aren’t comfortable with them. This could be a way to keep you closer or be an attempt to get you to change.  
• Difficulty feeling satisfied without you being there: Your partner may feel like they can’t enjoy activities unless you’re with them. They may even feel guilty when they’re away from you. A codependent partner may begin to routinely cancel plans with others to spend as much time with you as they can.  

List adapted from The Journal of Current Psychology  

How can these behaviors impact your relationships? 

In a controlling relationship, behavior may become extreme and leave you feeling as if you can’t escape. A controlling partner could escalate to using coercive control, an abusive form of controlling behavior that may involve physical violence.  

Codependent individuals are often more prone to experiencing anxiety when receiving criticism, which could change the way conversations are navigated. Researchers have found that other relationship difficulties are often amplified in codependent relationships, lowering overall relationship satisfaction. 

How can you talk to your partner about their behavior? 

If you believe your partner is displaying signs of controlling or codependent behavior, it may be beneficial to have a conversation about the behavior. Try opening the conversation by explaining how their actions make you feel. You might also choose to explain what the other people in your life mean to you and discuss the importance of making time for those relationships.  

While it’s important that you advocate for yourself and your needs, you may also find it beneficial to prepare yourself to hear your partner’s perspective. Rather than viewing a discussion of boundaries as a confrontation, think of it as a way to share where you’re both at so you can come to a mutually beneficial agreement about how to move forward. 

You may choose to plan out what you would like to discuss by writing it out or reviewing it with a friend. Practicing may help ease any nerves you have about the discussion and give you another outlet to express your emotions verbally.  

How can you receive additional support? 

While attempting to make changes within the relationship through conversation is beneficial for some, for others, bringing the relationship to an end may be a more suitable decision. In some situations, having a conversation with your partner may not lead to positive changes. It’s also possible that having a conversation with your partner may cause extreme stress or put you in a physically unsafe position.  

If this is the case, you may consider reaching out to a mental health professional for further information and support. Some resources that you may choose to use include: 

• National Domestic Violence Hotline: Online resources 
• National Domestic Violence Hotline: Local resources 
• Resources for Victims of Teen Dating Violence 

Best of luck in navigating these difficult conversations and having the courage to know when it may be time to end the relationship for good. 

Wishing you all the best,