Is it weird that I'm attracted to people older than me?

Dear Too sexy for my age-group, 

It seems like you don’t like spring chickens, despite being one yourself! Digging an older man doesn’t necessarily make you a “pervert”. It all depends on you and your partner’s intentions. It’s entirely possible to be in a respectful and loving relationship, despite an age gap. It also seems like you’re looking to lessen the tension between you and your mom by increasing understanding between the both of you. Whether or not your attraction to older men is a concern, or you decide to talk about your romantic choices directly with your mom, read on for more information. 

There are many reasons you might be interested in an older man. People mature and develop at different rates, and older men—who have inevitably had more time for life experiences—may offer insights, perspectives, or status that you find appealing. You might also appreciate dating an older man if they have reached a point in their life where their priorities are clear and match up with your own. For example, they might've had more relationship experience and know exactly what they want when it comes to romantic pursuits. Or they may have already established their careers and be more focused on developing their relationships. You may find this is the opposite of what people your own age are doing.  

If you’re still puzzling over your preference for older partners, you might try a reflection exercise. Consider questions like: 

• Who are my friends? Are they older too?  
• What is it about older men that I like—their experience? That they have careers? How they make me feel about myself? 
• Have I always liked older men? 

Figuring out what you value can be an important way to learn more about yourself and go after what you want. If you find having relationships with people older than you to be a consistent pattern or trend in other areas of your life, it might be a clue to you that you prefer more mature company overall. You might also just be able to chalk your attraction up to your natural inclinations. On the other hand, if the onset of this dating preference coincided with a particular life event, perhaps that might provide some insight into your choices in men.  

You also address how your romantic relationships put a strain on your relationship with your mom. It might be helpful to try to understand where she’s coming from and what she might be concerned about. It’s true that in any relationship with an age difference there’s typically a power imbalance. She may be aware that people in intergenerational relationships can face stigma, issues integrating social circles, and challenges with different energy levels or sex drives. Is she concerned about your safety? Might she be worried about your ability to retain your independence? Has she been influenced by negative stereotypes of age-gap relationships? Her reasons might also relate to her own past, your past, or her general beliefs about age and dating. Knowing if she’s coming from a place of love and concern for you might help you not feel as frustrated about her response. That said, you might consider whether you’re okay dating someone your mom doesn’t approve of and if you are, how you think that may or may not affect your relationship with her. 

Only you can understand the full context and quality of your relationship. A good way of assessing whether it’s right for you might be by asking yourself the following questions:  

• Are my romantic relationships fair and equal?  
• Am I treated with respect?  
• Do I feel free to pursue my own goals?  

If the answer to all these questions is “yes,” then pursuing older partners may just be a preference you continue to explore. It's entirely possible to be in an older-younger relationship with a strong foundation of communication, respect, trust, and honesty. However, if the answer to these questions is “no,” you may choose to explore your attractions further by speaking with a mental health provider.  

Hopefully you’ll be able to navigate both the relationship with your partner and your mom with a little more understanding. 

Best of luck,