How do I define my sexuality and tell my parents about my transgender partner?

Dear Reader, 

Figuring out which label suits your sexuality isn’t always an easy task. People's experiences of attraction are so unique that even those who identify with the same label as you may have different ways of defining it. Depending on your perceptions of gender and sexuality, your love for Adam could lead you to identify as straight, bisexual, lesbian, or another label entirely. It’s possible that even after exploring different labels, you may not find one that feels like a perfect fit—and that’s okay! No one is required to label their sexuality, and you should only do so if it makes you feel comfortable. When it comes to speaking with family members about how you or Adam identifies, you can decide together what feels comfortable sharing or not—all of these decisions are completely up to you! 

To begin, exploring gender may be useful. Many times, people use gender to explain their sexualities to others. Gender identity describes how you think of yourself in your own body. Although many people think about gender in terms of man and woman, many identify outside of this binary or have entirely different ways of thinking about their gender. Similarly, gender expression refers to how someone outwardly expresses their gender. Your expression can include the clothes and accessories you wear or how you talk or sound. 

Many people confuse gender and sex assigned at birth. Sex assigned at birth is often determined by looking at a baby’s genitalia while in the womb and again once they’re born. Being transgender can mean many things, but, generally, it refers to those who have gender identities that are different than the sex they were assigned at birth. However, a person’s sex assigned at birth doesn’t define their gender identity or expressions. A trans person’s identity is valid regardless of their sex assigned at birth. 

When thinking about how to define your sexual orientation, it may be helpful to begin by thinking about the genders of people you’ve been attracted to in the past. While this isn't a fool-proof method for defining your sexuality, it may be a good place to start. Because your current partner is a transgender man, you may choose to align with a label that reflects this identity of theirs by labeling yourself as straight, bisexual, queer, or another sexual orientation label that describes an attraction to men. However, you may also choose not to limit your sexual identity to your current partner and instead take into account the experiences of attraction you’ve had overall. If this is the case, you may gravitate towards another term entirely. 

At the end of the day, the label you decide on—or don’t decide on—is your choice. Choosing a label that you feel comfortable with and that respects your partner’s gender identity is something personal. But it doesn’t mean you’re alone! If you feel comfortable discussing your questions with your partner, your friends, or a mental health professional specializing in queer identity and relationships, they may be helpful in providing you with even more insight. 

As you mention, sometimes these topics can be difficult to discuss with certain people for various reasons. Agreeing on the people you’ll tell about your relationship and what you’ll say are concerns that many couples face. Thinking through several factors may help you decide how you'd like to move forward with the conversation. Regarding your parents’ potential reaction to your relationship, what are the implications if they disapprove? You may want to consider the scale of a negative reaction. Could it mean severing ties with your family, losing financial support, risking bodily harm, or any other potential dangers? Additionally, how would Adam feel about your parents knowing that he’s transgender? Does he have any risks to be concerned about? Identifying these risks and discussing them with your partner may make your decisions on who to tell—and what to say—clearer. If you both decide to tell your parents, you may consider consulting resources such as PFLAG and The Trevor Project for more guidance. 

Ultimately, deciding whether to talk to others about your sexual identity is up to you. However, the decision to talk about Adam’s trans identity with others may be a conversation that you two have together first. 

Wishing you all the best,