How do I communicate that I’m about to ejaculate during oral sex?

Dear Reader, 

Nothing is too big or too small to talk about when it comes to sex—the only bad question is an unasked one! Likewise, the only way for you to know what’s “acceptable” is for you to ask your partner(s) what they want. It’s up to them to decide whether they’re comfortable with you ejaculating in their mouth or if they would prefer for you to cum somewhere else. Engaging in any form of sexual activity requires consent, which is a willing and freely given agreement from all involved parties (more on this in a bit). Boundaries are an important part of any relationship, and learning how to both set and respect them can be crucial for relationship satisfaction both in and out of the bedroom. 

Sex is like a cup of coffee. Everyone has their own preferences, and what works for one person might not work for another. Although some people enjoy having their partners cum in their mouth during oral sex, others may not like the smell, taste, or texture of semen. While this might be because they’re worried about giving or getting sexually transmitted infections (STIs) or sexually transmitted diseases (STDs),it could also simply be because they don’t like it—after all, some people just prefer tea! 

Consent is all about setting and honoring boundaries. It’s best if all parties can clearly and explicitly agree before participating in any sexual activity. That said, it should be noted that they can also change their minds at any time before or during the activity. If consent isn’t present from everyone, the sexual activity would be considered sexual assault or rape. The acronym “FRIES” is a helpful way to remember the principles of consent: 

• Freely given: Consent is a choice that all parties make without pressure, manipulation, or under the influence of drugs or alcohol. 
• Reversible: Anyone can change their mind about what they feel like doing, anytime—even if you’ve done it before, and even if you’re both naked in bed. 
• Informed: You can only consent to an activity if you have the full story. For example, if someone says they’ll use a condom and then they don’t, there isn’t full consent. 
• Enthusiastic: When it comes to sex, this means only doing what you want to do, not what you feel you’re expected to do. Silence or the absence of a “no” doesn’t mean “yes”.
• Specific: Saying yes to one thing (like going to the bedroom to make out) doesn’t mean you’ve said yes to others (like having sex). 

List adapted from Planned Parenthood 

Some ways to ask for consent include asking “Would it be okay if I [fill in the blank]” or “Do you want me to [fill in the blank].” In addition to listening to how the person responds, it’s important to pay attention to the other person’s body language and tone. If they say yes but seem unsure, it’s best to check in by saying something like “I want to make sure you are okay and comfortable. Should we keep going?” Communicating with your partner(s) to find out what they’re comfortable with, set sexual boundaries, and honor those boundaries can help everyone to feel safe and respected—and can be a huge turn on! 

After having these conversations, if you find that your partner(s) doesn’t want you to cum in their mouth, it’s important not to pressure them or keep asking. Instead, you might consider asking them to give you a signal when they want you to pull out. Alternatively, you might also just pull out when you feel that you’re close to orgasm and ejaculate elsewhere. You could ejaculate into some tissues, a towel, or on other parts of your partner’s body if they enjoy that. 

As to whether you should try to “restrain” from ejaculating, it isn’t possible to hold back an ejaculation when you reach the point of orgasm. It is possible, however, to become aroused but not reach orgasm. Meaning, it’s possible to have an orgasm without ejaculating and to ejaculate without having an orgasm. If this is the case, you may experience a feeling of pressure or discomfort in your genital region after being sexually aroused for some time without reaching orgasm. However, rest assured, this discomfort is temporary and doesn’t pose any risk or harm to the body. 

As you move forward, it might be helpful to bear in mind that orgasming doesn’t always have to be the goal of oral sex, or any sexual activity for that matter. For instance, you might choose to incorporate oral sex as part of foreplay with your partner(s) before moving on to something else or use it as an opportunity to explore the ins and outs of pleasure.