How can I support my friend who worries about her weight?

Dear Want to help, 

Simply put, your best friend's constant remarks seem to indicate that she’s feeling uneasy about her weight. However, the situation you’re describing may be much more emotionally complex. Hearing your friend constantly rag on herself can be both worrying and tiresome. Though you might also have other feelings, such as helplessness in supporting her or guilt for being worn out, it’s wonderful that you want to support your friend. Deciding how to continue may not be a straightforward process. That said, the state of your own mental health and how this situation affects you should be factored in when figuring out how or if you’d like to broach the subject with her.   

It’s unlikely that there’s one perfect thing you could say to your friend to convince her she’s not fat, but there are other ways you can support her. Discovering how to do so is key—the way you support her is extremely personal to both of you. She might want to talk with you about her journey with her weight. Alternatively, she might be private or defensive if confronted about her habit of seeking validation. Keep in mind that you matter here too. Considering your own well-being can be important in recognizing when you can help or when it may be time for you to step back. To help you evaluate, reflect on questions like, “Does talking about her weight so frequently negatively affect me?” or “How does her involvement with my boyfriend affect my relationship with both of them?”  

After considering this, you may be left with two potential routes forward: conversing directly about it or diverting attention when the topic of conversation shifts to her weight.  

Conversing directly. If you decide to speak directly with your friend about her feelings about her weight, being an objective outsider could help guide the conversation. It puts you in a better position to recognize what’s most difficult for her. You could dive deeper by trying to understand what "fat" means for her. You might also attempt to understand if she’s struggling with other underlying issues that may be contributing to her focus on her weight rather than weight itself being the issue. You might consider asking her what her triggers are so you can try to avoid them. You could also let your friend know how her constant worrying impacts you. Does it make you sad or stress you out? Are you concerned that her preoccupation with her weight may impact other parts of her life? Letting her know these things may motivate her to explore her behaviors with a professional. Perhaps, most importantly, you could encourage her to speak with a mental health professional who’s specifically trained to help people who struggle with body image issues.  

Diverting attention. If talking to her feels uncomfortable for either of you, that’s okay, too—a conversation isn’t the only way to signal to your friend that you don’t want to engage in the topic. As her friend, you can offer support but it isn’t your responsibility to take care of her. Though it may not seem like it, disengaging or diverting can also be a form of support for both of you. By not engaging when she asks if she’s fat, you’re helping break the pattern of her need for validation. Instead, you might focus on other subjects and skip talking about diets and "imperfect" body parts. In a similar vein, it might be helpful to compliment her about things that don’t have anything to do with her appearance. You might also choose to do activities together that don’t center around food. If you find that her need for constant reassurance is negatively affecting your well-being, it’s okay to set boundaries concerning these check-ins about her weight as a way of supporting yourself. One such boundary may be spending less time with her. Although spending time with other people can be a helpful way to recharge, if spending time with someone brings you more distress than joy, it’s valid to ask for space.  

While your friend's constant questioning may seem pesky, she may be dealing with much greater issues. Whichever way you choose to move forward, your willingness to help and the fact that you’re actively seeking out information is a great start.  

Best of luck,