How can I reach orgasm with and without sex toys?

Dear Reader and Curious but nervous,  

Masturbation is all about getting in touch with yourself—both literally and figuratively! Whether you’re using toys or fingers, getting creative and trying new things can be key to enjoying yourself. However, it’s important to note that research on masturbation tends to be limited. So it’s understandable that you may feel confused about what to do when it comes to the big ‘M’ or the big ‘O’, let alone how to incorporate sex toys. Additionally, most studies are conducted with cis-gender participants and typically use binary terms like “men” and “women” which you may not identify with. The biggest takeaway to remember is, not all people experience self-pleasure in the same way, and as such there’s no wrong or right way to do it. Learning what feels good for you may take some trial and error, but getting to know your own body, testing out different products and positions, and communicating with a partner(s) (if there’s one in the picture) may be helpful in the journey.  

How can you explore and enhance self-pleasure?  

The taboo around masturbation—particularly for women—can create barriers to learning and engaging in solo-play like masturbation. On average, studies show that women masturbate less frequently than men. A larger proportion of women than men also report never having masturbated before. When asked why, women are significantly more likely to give reasons such as lack of interest and discomfort with their body.  

A good place to start might be learning more about your own anatomy. You could do some independent research or explore your body in front of a mirror. Dimming the lights, putting on relaxing music, and reading erotica can also help set the mood and create a comfortable space for pleasure without pressure.  

When you’re ready to fly solo, you might consider some forms of self-stimulation like: 

• Clitoral: Use your fingers or a toy to play with the clitoris, a pearl-sized nub of which is visible at the top of the vulva. The other parts of the clitoris that are internal extend down to the left and right of the vaginal opening like a wish bone. The entire clitoris is full of nerve endings, making it the most sensitive part of the vulva. 
• Vaginal: Insert your fingers or a toy into the vagina and make circular, in-and-out, or stroking motions.  
  Combination: Use both hands to play with the vagina and clitoris at the same time, or a combination of fingers and a toy. For a more intense sensation, consider changing speeds or using opposite rhythms. 
• Erogenous zones: Touch and rub your nipples, breasts, inner thighs, ears, and neck. These sensitive touchpoints on your body can stimulate arousal and pleasure.  
  Experimenting with different speeds, pressure, and depth can help you tune into the things that make you tick. Trying different positions like lying on your back, lying on your stomach, or squatting may also create a more pleasurable experience.  

Does masturbation affect partnered sex?

For many women, the experience of self-pleasure doesn’t always align with partnered sex. Studies show that most women include vaginal stimulation during partnered sex, but fewer do so when masturbating. Additionally, women who use sexual aids, toys, or fantasies when masturbating may not do so during partnered sex. Since most heterosexual women don’t orgasm from vaginal penetration alone, the gap between masturbation and penetrative sex can sometimes be frustrating.  

Overall, men are more likely to orgasm during sex than women, regardless of sexual orientation. The gap is widest between heterosexual men and women. Additionally, research suggests that women are more likely to pursue orgasm during sex only if it seems achievable. However, women who have sex with men (WSM) often end up prioritizing male orgasm at the expense of their own.

That said, it’s okay for masturbation and partnered sex to differ in purpose and outcome. For some people, masturbation emphasizes control and autonomy, whereas partnered sex emphasizes mutual pleasure and intimacy. If nothing else, masturbation can help you discover what you enjoy. This, in turn, can lead to more pleasurable sex.  

How can you increase the likelihood of experiencing an orgasm with a partner?

There are ways to make partnered sex just as (if not more) pleasurable than solo-play. These include: 

• Aligning activities and techniques: If you masturbate with toys or enjoy certain forms of stimulation, consider incorporating them into partnered sex. 
• Communicating clearly: Express your desires during sex. You can tell your partner(s) that you want to “take your time” or focus on certain pleasure points. 
• Spicing it up: You can try new sexual positions, talk about and enact fantasies, and experiment with various activities beyond vaginal intercourse. 

The “Big O” might mark the climax in your solo or partnered adventure, but it doesn’t always have to be the goal. Fixating on orgasm can lead to unnecessary pressure. Focusing more broadly on pleasure might make things more enjoyable. Whatever you do, there’s no right or wrong way to masturbate, as long as you’re enjoying yourself!