Can I have a life without regrets?

Dear J, 

For many, to regret is to feel badly about a past event such as a decision made in haste, an opportunity not pursued, words spoken (or left unsaid), or the course and outcome of a relationship. For some, regret comes about when it seems that if a different path had been taken, it might have spared you, or someone else, unnecessary pain. While it may not be possible to live entirely without regret, there are strategies you might use to shift your mindset to think about the event differently. Read on to learn more! 

If you’re imagining that your current situation could be better if you had made different decisions, regrets may start to come up. This feeling can sometimes be accompanied by sadness, loss, or guilt about a wrong. To your question, regret can be replaced by more positive emotions and actions, such as reflection. Instead of using this energy to dwell on what could have been, you might choose to use it as an opportunity to reframe the way you think about the experience. Here’s an example: 

You just ended a six-month relationship because the two of you spent most of your time arguing about everything from what movie to see to what was said during your last argument. You both tried to coexist more peacefully, but ultimately you couldn't get along. After the first month, you had an idea that the two of you were like oil and water, but you stuck it out because you didn’t want to be single. 

• The Regretter might think this way: “I'm sorry I ever got into that relationship in the first place . . . I wasted six months of my life on something that I knew probably wasn't going to work . . . If I had just trusted my instincts early on, I could have had five more months to find the right partner . . .” 
• The Reframer might instead say: “We worked hard for six months to get along more . . . I'm far better now than I was back in May at asserting myself and compromising . . . Those first signs that the future of our relationship was bleak are reminders for me to pay more attention to my instincts the next time around." 

Notice that the Regretter's lingo is filled with "would,” “should,” and “could haves," while the Reframer focuses on the benefits of the experience and considers how to improve future bonds. 

Distress can be a common reaction to a breakup and, yes, regrets can trigger some of those negative feelings. However, while it may seem impossible that someone could truly pop into a new relationship without considering past ones, staying aware of what's worked and what hasn't in your past may be key to improving skills and judgment in the future. Even if you don’t recognize it immediately, your past experiences often work to inform what you want (and don’t want) out of a future relationship. 

Moving forward in life without harboring remorse about what you’ve done or haven’t done may be a helpful strategy in setting personal goals and allowing you to understand how the situation has helped you grow. That being said, having “no regrets” can become a problematic philosophy when it keeps you from learning from your mistakes or when it's used to get out of taking responsibility for your actions. If you find that this is something you struggle with, you might consider talking with a mental health professional to discuss more productive coping strategies for the things you’re dwelling on. Conversations with a professional, or even trusted family or friends, may help you to process those experiences. This could be an opportunity to consider what you've learned and how you’ve grown from the situation. 

So, is it possible to grow old without any regrets, you ask? Considering that to do so would mean never pondering different outcomes or wishing you could change your past decisions, the answer is likely, no. People of all ages experience regrets and continue to have them throughout their life. 

However, there’s good news: while younger people are often more heavily impacted by regrets and can feel as if their lives have been ruined, older people generally look back on their lives with a more positive regard. As you grow older, your expectations for yourself and your life tend to change. This may lead you to feel more satisfied with the actions that you’ve taken up until that point. Although much of how you handle these situations is likely habitual (and perhaps based on what you’ve seen growing up), it’s possible to develop a balanced way of thinking about past life events. With a little support from friends, family, or a licensed mental health professional, you may be able to put regrets behind you sooner than you think. If nothing else, in this case, maybe time really can heal all!